SANTA BARBARA, CA – In a surprise announcement today, Santa Barbara’s two elderly Candy Bosses—Mother Stearns and Mary See, founding matriarch of See’s Candy—have agreed to a winner-take-all Mixed Martial Arts bout to decide who will assume control of The American Riviera’s lucrative confections racket. Billed as “The Sweet Mama Beatdown”, the one-time event is expected to draw spectators from across the U.S. and Canada, with closed circuit rights quickly snapped up by Karo, the corn syrup giant.
The two gangs have terrorized Santa Barbara’s population for decades as the “Old Crones of Confectionary ” battled for turf, the opposing armies clashing savagely in their sugar-dusted aprons and little candy-maker’s caps. Bystanders have long been caught up in the violence, and families torn apart by their allegiances. The announcement of a final, score-settling caged bout between the two “Milk Chocolate Ma Barkers” is being greeted with both relief and trepidation by Santa Barbarans weary of the decades-long conflict. The elderly gang leaders are themselves ready to rumble.
“I’m going to twist her like salt-water taffy,” Mother Stearns proclaimed somewhat predictably, in a pointed promotion for Mother Stearns Salt Water Taffy. When pressed for a response, Ms. See was unequivocal. “Why, I’m going to find her soft center, dear,” she told a reporter in a chilling old lady voice, peering over the tops of rounded spectacles. “Don’t you worry about that. Would you like a sample?”