SANTA BARBARA, CA – Classy, clean, well-educated and capitalized, Santa Barbarans are increasingly charmed by their country-bumpkin brethren to the west, a new survey finds. SB city folk are these days given to long, rambling TESLA excursions through the underdeveloped Good Land idyll, the Thomas Hardy-like Goleta outback providing a much-needed release valve for the stressed urban visitors.
Warm laughter at the antics of their endearing rural lessers combines with a deep appreciation of the verdant rolling landscape to sate the Santa Barbarans’ yearning for the simpler life Goletans enjoy. Group motor coach tours can scarcely keep up with demand as cocooned SB city folk pay top dollar to ply The Good Land in the whispering, hermetically sealed comfort of a $600,000 TESLA “Type C” CityVan replete with wet bar, workout room and bidet.
Says attorney and longtime Goleta observer Carl Brewster, “It’s useful to be reminded how like us these people are, and these tours bring one so close you could almost touch a Goletan.” The barrister pauses and laughs. “Not that you’d want to! On the other hand, we can learn much from the noble savagery of the Goletans. We’ve lost something in Santa Barbara, we’re almost a fallen race; decadent and soulless and enviably liquid. Can we regain a semblance of our former purity by staring through triple-pane tempered TESLA glass at the lumpen Goletans in their ill-fitting bargain garb? Perhaps. Perhaps.”