SANTA BARBARA, CA – Sports fans are rarely in agreement, but a survey conducted at Sharkees’s, The Brew House, O’Malley’s, and other popular downtown sports-centric watering holes, yielded a surprising consensus from the patrons—people who don’t like sports should be maimed.
A Santa Barbara Today-Examiner! reporter caught up with members of the ‘backward hats & tats’ set to get their take. “In fairness, not everybody is into sports. And those people should be maimed,” said Sean Carruthers over a frosty pint glass. Brian Pelham III—who requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the subject—concurred. “Look, you don’t like hockey? Okay, I get it. Boy, do I get it. But we’re going to have to take off your feet. In the back room there.” He gestures to the back of the bar as his fist bumping bar stool neighbors nod and murmur assent. “Bored by football? There go your arms and legs, bro. Baseball…” The somewhat unidentified sports fan’s eyes mist and he takes a fortifying gulp of Pabst, sets his glass down on the bar and stares hard at the reporter. “You don’t wanna know.”
At press time a group of protesting namby-pambys had gathered at Santa Barbara’s historic de la Guerra Plaza to advocate for the rights of those who are bored by sports and puzzled by the screaming devotion paid to millionaire teams named after animals and, in one case, “Packers”. The gathered namby-pambys were handily rounded up and maimed. Said recalcitrant protestor Steven Carlson from his supine position on the grassy plaza, “I’m beginning to see the light. Go Horses!”